The Wagon in the Road

A brown horse traveled down a misty lane.
Hooves clopped softly against the cobblestone and echoed back from the fog.
Although the wooden wagon behind tugged hard against the shoulders, the stallion did not shy from the task and pulled ahead into the thick and saturated air.

The road split into two ways: one to the right, and the other.
The progression halted and awaited orders.
A drag left decided the direction, and onwards went the wagon.

Night closed in, but the journey continued with encouragement of the reins, and the horse wearing thick, black blinders kept on.
A frigid breeze settled into the dark air, and soon another fork with three ways arrived.
Swiftly pulled right, the wagon wobbled down the road in stony silence.

The gray light of a barren day began to glow through the air, and a great mountain rose ahead.
The road now had many turnoffs, many courses which could be traversed.
But the reins did not move, so the wagon marched straight and true.

At the foot of the mountain, sheer cliff blocked all ways except for a narrow in the mountain.
The horse stopped, unsure whether to advance or await the driver.
The wait lasted for many hours, until the sun was almost set again, and the wind raged against.
A brisk tug forwards resumed the march, and into the passage the wagon traveled.

The air roared and whistled and shoved the bluffs wildly about the marcher's eyes.
A sharp crack reverberated loudly through the small canyon, and the horse stopped in fear.
A gentle word, a kind gesture, a slight assurance was all that was needed to proceed.

But there were none.
Unwilling to continue in the storm, the packhorse sat and waited for morninglight.

The dawn sky illuminated a collapse in the route ahead.
A dead end.
The wagonpuller whinnied loudly, still awaiting further charges.

A tug left.
The worker complied.
A jerk right.
Very well, and turned about.

A pull back.
The haulbearer attempted to glare, but blinders hid the person.

Ripping and rotating about, the mouth-leashed fought but stopped and sat down.
Frustrated, the head bent low and hooves began to pry the black leather loose.
But they were so tightly affixed that it pained.
A complaint for explanation was met with silence, and so the blinders were mishandled.

After many, many hours, the blinders fell to the rocky floor, coated in hair and dirt and blood.
The servant turned to finally examine the abusive master.
But the wagon in the road was empty, save for the ends of reins blowing in the wind.

Nifty Nineties: The Best 90 Minute Films (Flubberghast #4)

UPDATE
During the first week of May, my house was broken into and my laptop was stolen, along with all of my writing materials, including future posts for this blog and a schedule of what to post when. However, the stories and poetry that I lost depressed me, and so while working an internship over the summer, I have been suffering tremendous writer's block due to the lack of motivation. However, after 3 months, I think that I'm finally ready to begin again, even if only a little at a time. Bear with me; I always appreciate when even just 5 people read what I write. You're awesome for being patient!


ARTICLE
Anyways, the purpose of this newest blog is to analyze a new trend: the loss of patience. With frenetic cartoons like SpongeBob, video games that require quick responses, short viral videos on YouTube, and a constant stream of news and information thanks to the internet, I think we all can agree that our attention spans haven't been this short since the early days of civilization in caves, painting walls and screaming at each other and constantly fighting for survival. Gone are the days that audiences poured into theaters to watch 3-4 hour epics with intermissions such as Spartacus, Gone with the Wind, and Casablanca. Today, moviegoers either want tons of action (see Marvel movies, Transformers movies and their ridiculous financial success) or something with a fast story. Personally, a movie that runs between 2-2.5 hours is the perfect length for me, with exceptions on either end of that range. But let's make a compromise: what if I chose movies with less of that hyperactivity, but a short run time? Yes? Sound good? Great, so let's get going with my ten favorite films with a run time of 90 minutes (give or take 15 minutes):



10. Enemy
How would you react if you suddenly found someone who looked exactly like you? If your dreams were filled with visions of spiders lurking in the dark, plotting something sinister? Enemy explores this all within a run time of exactly 90 minutes, and has intrigued me ever since. Jake Gyllenhaal reteams with director Denis Villeneuve from Prisoners to create a thrilling and tense mystery that messes with your mind in the same way that Shutter Island and Memento did. This film continues to be my favorite of 2014 thus far, and it's really not even that close. If you want to learn more about this doppelganger story, just go read my review for why you SHOULD see it.







9. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
The ultimate romcom of the Aughts still continues to entertain me, mixing lost-in-translation humor with all of the complexity of a modern family, especially a large one! When worlds collide between Toula's enormous Greek family and Ian's single-child American family, the sparks fly and boundaries are shattered. Nia Vardolos rewrites her own life story and then stars in the lead role of this Oscar-nominated screenplay that shows us part of what it's like to be a Greek woman caught between today's society and her culture's expectations. Clocking in at 95 minutes, it wastes no time and moves right along and SHOULD be viewed multiple times.


8. Hunger
After having 12 Years a Slave win Best Picture in my own version of the 2013 Oscars (accurately predicting the outcome, ha!), I had to delve into the other two films of director Steve McQueen's. Although Shame was too strong for me, McQueen's debut film completely blew me away. The cinematography and directing were absolutely phenomenal, telling a very complex story about Bobby Sands, an IRA prisoner in 80's UK, in almost no words, using the visual and the physical to tell us his story. Although the first 30 minutes were a little tough to get through, the final hour of this 92 minute gem are absolutely perfect, including a 17 minute conversation between Michael Fassbender (love him) as Bobby Sands and a priest that was taken with only one camera shot, uncut. You SHOULD see this great work of art, which I was able to borrow on Blu Ray from the library.


7. Toy Story
Ha, and you thought that all of these films would be dramas or just adult-oriented! The movie that started it all in Pixar's magical run of films clocks in at 80 minutes, which is far shorter than I remember it being as a child. This heartwarming story of a toy cowboy who has to deal with jealousy and abandonment issues as a new astronaut toy is introduced to the clan will always hold a special place in my heart. Let it be known that this is also Tim Allen's best movie, easily, not even close (don't even bring up The Santa Clause). In an era that didn't have Best Animated Feature at the Oscars yet, Toy Story was nominated for three, Original Score, Original Song (You've Got a Friend in Me), and Original Screenplay (FACT: Joss Whedon was one of those writers, of Marvel's Avengers and Firefly directorial fame). I'd be very surprised if anyone hasn't seen this already, but just in case, you DEFINITELY SHOULD.





6. The Nightmare Before Christmas
This creepy and wonderful delight of an animated film still sets the bar for stop-animation films today, and Tim Burton will live forever in its Visual-Effects-Oscar-nominated shadow. With a 76 minute length, it just barely meets my requirements, but it also represents the only musical in my entire list (sorry, Frozen fans, now's your time to hit Control-W), but man, does it represent! When Jack Skellington grows tired of ruling Halloween Town, he takes it upon himself to replace Santa for one Christmas Eve, forever fusing the two holidays in creative and new ways. Full of beautiful music from Danny Elfman and genuine story that will shock you with its warmth, I can't settle with anything less than saying that everyone but small children DEFINITELY SHOULD watch this classic.



HONORABLE MENTIONS
With a good mix of animation, romances, comedies, dramas and children's films, I know that if you enjoy the list so far, you will for the next half. But before my top 5, I want to take this time to mention some other Nifty Nineties that didn't quite make the cut:

Monsters, Inc., Blazing Saddles, Gravity, Gojira, Elf, WALL-E, The Killing, Mulan, Toy Story 2, Up, Spaceballs, Toy Story 3, and Antz.

If one of your favorite films is in that list and you now hate me, I'm sorry, but please continue through the list! For the record, this was a very bold undertaking, since I now risk the couch treatment for the next two weeks (Up is my wife's favorite film of all time... yeah). Onwards!



5. Fantastic Mr. Fox
Wes Anderson managed to sneak his way onto this list with his quirky and fun stop-animated film about a clever fox who goes up against a trio of evil farmers, bringing his own nature and commitment to his family into question. In a movie that celebrates the differences and uniqueness that we all have, I cannot applaud George Clooney enough for his voicework as the eponymous Mr. Fox, with his trademark suave mixed with Anderson's trademark bizarreness. Although Nightmare Before Christmas set a goal for all stop-animation movies, Fantastic Mr. Fox dashed it apart in an equal fashion, combining the lovable with the odd within 87 minutes. I know a lot of people missed this Oscar-nominated wonder (ironically enough, losing both of its nominations, Animated Feature and Original Score, to Up...), so I won't hold back when I state that you DEFINITELY SHOULD see it!

4. Finding Nemo
Apparently animation dominates the Nifty Nineties, since they make up half of my list. But they are all well deserved, including this gorgeous masterpiece of CGI. When Marlin's only son, Nemo, gets kidnapped by a well-meaning dentist for his aquarium, Marlin must embark on a timeless adventure that takes us deep into the depths of the ocean, wrapping us in its beauty. As one of the greatest all time achievements in animation, or cinematic art of any medium for that matter, Finding Nemo won Best Animated Feature, as well as being nominated for Original Score, Original Screenplay, and Sound Editing during the Academy Awards. With so many wonderful characters and memorable moments, it's a wonder that they were able to fit it all within 100 minutes, and just within my own range. Everyone, young and old, DEFINITELY SHOULD watch this movie over and over again despite its relative darkness.

3. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
So since I dropped Spaceballs and Blazing Saddles off of this list, you must have expected me to forget this classic as well, huh? Not at all! With only 92 minutes of run time, the humor never stops in this comedy for the ages from John Cleese, Terry Gilliam and Co. Who could ever forget the Knights Who Say Ni, the Black Knight, or the Holy Hand Grenade? What's your favorite color, and how fast does a swallow fly (African or European?)? So, so many brilliant moments that I will never forget about King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table as they journey to attain the Holy Grail in hilarious fashion. Once you decide to pull yourself out of that dark cave that I assume you've been inhabiting since you haven't seen this, you DEFINITELY SHOULD buy or rent this film and watch it.



INTERLUDE
And now we reach the final two movies of my list, that I really had a horribly tough time with ordering. These could honestly be interchangeable, but as it stands, for the sake of my number-oriented OCD (kinda), here is numbers 1 and 2, and the greatest Nifty Nineties of all time:



2. Dr. Strangelove: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
There really is nothing quite like watching Slim Pickens rodeo down on a nuclear bomb that will activate the ultimate doomsday machine that will end all life on earth. In this black-and-white classic from Stanley Kubrick, a crazy general (played wonderfully by George C. Scott) decides to bomb the USSR because they keep poisoning our water and taking away our fertility. Chocked full of enough satire to make Twain and Chaucer chuckle in their graves, this 94 minute masterpiece received four Oscar nominations including Best Picture, Best Director, and Adapted Screenplay. But the Best Actor-nominated Peter Sellers turns in the greatest comedic performance of all time, playing the President of the United States, a British officer, and the ex-Nazi Dr. Strangelove. He plays all three roles perfectly and keeps all scenes not containing Slim Pickens interesting. With an overall political message that can still easily be applied to today (just replace USSR with Russia or North Korea and bam, you've got it), Stanley Kubrick's only comedy still reigns as one of the kings among them all, and DEFINITELY SHOULD be seen by more mature audiences.


1. The Iron Giant
A giant man-like robot crashes into the Atlantic Ocean off the coast of Maine. A little boy helps him to hide and eat. A government agent of the 50's searches hysterically for the possible doom machine, labeling it a potential Commie menace during an era of Cold War paranoia. In a film that teaches us that we are who we choose to be, this deserves extra recognition for being the only movie in my list that made me cry, and ultimately decided its place on my list. As the final of 5 animated children's movies to appear here, its beautiful animation, touching story and complete honesty still get me every time, making this forever a classic of the 50's-styled children's adventures. Did I mention that Vin Diesel does what he does best: speak in three-word sentences with a deep voice? Regardless, my favorite moment:

You stay. I go. No following.
*flies into sky to face nuke*
I'm Superman.

Gives me chills every single time. We all DEFINITELY SHOULD enjoy this adventure whenever we can. And with that, I conclude my list. I know I can never make everyone happy, but I hope that you enjoyed reading it. I will do my best to start writing again, and I have enjoyed writing this blog tremendously. Have a great weekend!

Random Movies in Random Categories (Flubberghast #3)

I am writing this as a large thank-you and apology for my not posting anything for nine days! This is what happens when you go to Iowa City for a weekend to compete in a car competition and the week beforehand is spent working on said car! I don’t have any movie reviews to post today, but instead, let’s take a look at a collection of films that all fit into the best-of-the-rest categories that I wanted to talk lightly about. Ima trying, Ima trying!

Hold onto your hats, this one’s a doozie!

Best Explosive Film

V for Vendetta

I really struggled between this and The Hurt Locker, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget Hugo Weaving laughing maniacally as the Old Bailey explodes with fireworks overhead, with the 1812 Overture playing in the background. One of the most memorable movie moments for me. Combine that with V’s burial-by-fire and Parliament exploding, and we have one explosive film! There’s a couple more as well. Honorable mention here also goes to Matrix Reloaded for the highway scene.

Verdict: Everyone PROBABLY SHOULD watch V for Vendetta for a great story and a fun time as well, even if Natalie Portman is just meh.

Movie That Has Sat the Longest on My Shelf without Being Seen

Dances with Wolves

Seriously. I think I bought it on sale on DVD over a year ago, and I still haven’t watched it. Sometimes, I just really need to be motivated to watch a Kevin Costner film. Plus, the last “great” Native American film that I saw, The Last of the Mohicans, was an overrated snoozer. The early 90’s are not well known for grading their own movies correctly (see Braveheart).

Most Overrated Film

Gone with the Wind

So it glorifies the fall of the South. Okay. So Clark Gable turns in a great performance. Okay. But one character, who the entire movie focuses on, ruined this experience for me. Sorry, Scarlett O’Hara, but I absolutely hate your spoiled-rotten guts. Worst heroine ever, and you can add this to the list of overrated movies with Titanic and Avatar (here’s to James Cameron).

Verdict: An EMPTY movie leaves me disappointed, and this one delivers.

Best Romance

Her

In all honesty, I went back through as many romantic movies as I knew, and I cannot name a single one that affected me like this movie did. Joaquin Pheonix’s performance is so heartfelt, the story so enwrapping, and Scarlett Johansson is so believable as the computer Samantha, that I really had little choice in the matter. Just read my review to see in greater detail how romantic this movie truly is.

Verdict: All couples DEFINITELY SHOULD see this movie that shows us just what relationships are like.

Films That I Want to See Again But Have Been Just Sittin’ There Waiting for Me

To Kill a Mockingbird, Seven Samurai, The Princess Bride, 12 Years a Slave, Prisoners, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy on Blu Ray

Yeah, I have these all in a pile, waiting to be watched again. One of these days, my friends, one of these days.

What’s Been Keeping Me from Watching the Above Films

Titanfall, Plants vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare, Netflix, life, books

Life includes anything associated with not wasting time. I guess blogging should probably be in there too. Huh.

Best Comedy

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

I mean, come on, seriously? How could I ever pass up on the hilarious adventures of King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table as portrayed by the Monty Python crew? I think the most important question here, really, is: what is your favorite color?

Verdict: If you’re looking for a good laugh, you SHOULD rent this film as soon as you can and try to not hurt yourself from laughing.

Best Mind(expletive)ing Film

Memento

Both Fight Club and Apocalypse Now were seriously in the running for this, but I still love the told-backwards story of Memento. This is one of those few films that can put you squarely into the mind of the protagonist and how he has to deal with issues. In this case, short-term memory loss. Just try to figure out the entire film the first time through. I dare you.

Verdict: Christopher Nolan fans SHOULD see this film soon for sure, since it was Nolan’s directorial debut and showcased his immense talent, as well as the writing talent of his brother Jonathan.

Worst Film in Recent Memory

Tie – Norbit and The Grownups

No joke. Both of these were just terrible. Adam Sandler has never been very funny to begin with, but he hit a new low in The Grownups. Even with Kevin James and Chris Rock, this movie produces very few laughs and makes you more annoyed with the large amount of men acting like children, with their sexual desires mixed in. Then Norbit… well, let’s just consider it solid evidence that Eddie Murphy will never be funny again without a digital donkey to voice. Gag me.

Verdict: Both of these movies will leave you EMPTY INSIDE, and in need of an antacid.

Best Marvel Film

Marvel’s The Avengers

One of Joss Whedon’s finest films, Serenity… er, I mean, Marvel’s Serenity!... umm, The Avengers, was entertaining with tons of humor, action, and witty dialogue. Throw in its perfect combination of Captain America 2 and Iron Man 3 (before they made those actual movies), a docile Hulk (don’t care for that bit, but eh), and we have the finest movie that Marvel has ever made. I would have put Best Superhero Film here, but it’d be unfair with the existence of The Dark Knight.

Verdict: This is a PROBABLY SHOULD movie for me, even if others disagree. Mostly entertaining.

Best Plot Twist

The Usual Suspects

We do not speak about Fight Club, so instead we will speak about this movie. One of my favorite crime movies completely blindsided me with its ending. Kevin Spacey turned in an Oscar-winning performance as palsy-ridden con man Verbal Kint and the screenplay won an Oscar as well for its twisting plot.

And that’s all I will say. No ruined surprises here!

Verdict: People looking for a good mystery SHOULD watch this movie soon, and enjoy the excellent cast of Kevin Spacey, Stephen Baldwin, Gabriel Byrne and others!

My Favorite Movie Theater

Cinemark Tulsa

The new AMC Southroads is a moviegoer’s delight, but that sticker price and the hassle of reserving seats makes it less enjoyable. The refillable cup and bucket, however, at the Cinemark make it one of my favorite places to go, since those portions always end up being the perfect amount for my wife and me to share, and at somewhere around half the price. Plus, it’s in a nice area and right next to the highway (making it easier to access from wherever I am). If I had to go with seat comfort, though, I’d still take Riverwalk Movies over both of these theaters.

Best War Film

Apocalypse Now

Not even close. I will say that Saving Private Ryan is the best war movie actionwise, The Hurt Locker is the best modern-day war movie, and The Bridge on the River Kwai rounds out my favorite war films, but Apocalypse Now remains king. Martin Sheen’s acting, Francis Ford Coppola’s directing, and a story based on Heart of Darkness make this one of my favorite movies of all time. Very few films can take you right into the mind and setting of war as this one can. As legendary Marlon Brando states about war, “The horror. The horror.”

Verdict: Everyone over 15 years old DEFINITELY SHOULD see this movie, and enjoy the music, scenery, acting and story. Barely second place on my all-time list.

Best Biopic

Citizen Kane

“Rosebud.”

One word to describe an entire man’s life. Citizen Kane showed us how full and empty a man’s life can be, even when he has almost everything in the world. This two hour gem gives us Charles Foster Kane’s life from beginning to end, and how he rose and fell and sought only to be loved. Powerful, powerful film.

Verdict: You DEFINITELY SHOULD watch this black-and-white classic at your earliest opportunity, and enjoy the story within.

Best Shoot ‘Em Up

The Matrix

Bullets. Slow motion. Dodging. Kansas City going bye-bye.

Everyone knows and loves this sci fi achievement, and there was no competition for this category. Keanu Reeves turns in a career-best performance (not saying much, but hey) and Laurence Fishburne portrays his only good role since being Clean from Apocalypse Now. Albeit dated, this wunderkind still packs a punch and drops the shells like no other.

Verdict: If you haven’t already seen it, do yourself a favor and watch it, because you DEFINITELY SHOULD.

Best Hack N’ Slash

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Although Return of the King also had tons of epic sword-slashing, the greatest battle of the LOTR Trilogy took place at Helm’s Deep. Seven Samurai was a close third to the aforementioned two, but nothing will be able to defeat the pure fury of the Uruk-hai assaulting the small fortress of Rohan. Plus, this one also had the battle of the Wargs. Gotta love Middle Earth.

Verdict: I really have a hard time believing that anyone hasn’t seen this movie already, but if not, you DEFINITELY SHOULD.

Predicting the Most Disappointing Film of 2014

The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Jamie Foxx as Electro? Rhino is now a mechanical beast? A sequel to that mediocre Spider-Man reboot? There are many question marks surrounding this film for me, and although Andrew Garfield is a major upgrade over Tobey Maguire as our friendly neighborhood superhero, I question a lot of the casting in this movie. I have no idea who the kid playing Harry Osborn is, but he seems way too goofy for a role that James Franco truly made his own. Paul Giamatti is too cute to play Rhino. But I still hear so much hype about this film every day. Here’s hoping, but if Captain America 2 is any sign, this will be entertaining at best, but falling well short of any semblance of The Dark Knight’s greatness.

That should do it for now. I fully expect to return to my old schedule this week or the next, depending. That’s what happens at the end of a school semester: tons of homework, projects, and exams! Until then, you all have a great week!

YOU’VE BEEN FLUBBERGHASTED!

Ginseng (for the Soul) #6

I post this from now, 5:44 am Central U.S. time, to say that I truly and dearly

Hate homework.

That is all. Otherwise, enjoy your morning and week like I'm sure that I will! *cough cough*

(1/2) There once was a little baby, wings ready to soar. But his mother didn’t want him. Now he is no more. c) RDB #twisp
— Robert D Beltran (@Pathos103) April 24, 2013

(2/2) But he spread his wings and flew up, above into sky. Then fell into his Father’s arms, where he’ll always lie. c) RDB #twisp
— Robert D Beltran (@Pathos103) April 25, 2013

Signs That You’re Too Big for Your Pants

You've lost feeling below your ankles. Or hips.

Whenever you walk, you have to fabricate a story about a knee-injury to justify your waddling like a duck.

You lost a finger the last time you tried to pull your wallet out of your back pocket.

People sometimes ask you, "Are you a professional scuba diver, or do you just wear the gear?"

The last time you sat down, the button of your pants snapped off and injured a co-worker.

It takes you forty-five minutes to put your pants on, even with the aid of a small crane and power winch.

When you ask for an honest opinion, your spouse tells you that your pants look great.



P.S. - Did you notice how I used two different "your" words in the same sentence correctly? It's not actually that difficult, internet!

Retrospection #5 (3/31-4/5)

Another week in paradise, and another month in the books. I want to give a huge Thank You to everyone that has been reading my blog, since I was able to go over >>400<< views during my first month of blogging! Bonus fact: my review of Noah ended up being my most viewed post by about double the views of second place. I look forward to continue writing for everyone that likes reading what I write!

3/31: Ginseng (for the Soul)

What is the approved truth and what is approved by The Rules?

3/31: The Should, the Could and the Empty (Film Snob)

Bonus review on Monday! Noah is a creative take on an old tale that rejuvenates the emotions that have fallen out of the story.

4/1: This Is a Football

The Cowboys defense still sucks, Manti Te’o’s girlfriend tries out at receiver for the Panthers, and the Broncos look ready to return to the Super Bowl and get their butts kicked by whatever NFC team. The good and bad of free agency recapped.

4/2: The Should, the Could and the Empty (Film Snob)

Back on the normal schedule, Enemy is a mesmerizing look into a man’s psyche in this doppelganger mystery thriller from Prisoners director Denis Villeneueve and lead actor Jake Gyllenhaal. My favorite movie of 2014 thus far.

4/3: 451 Kindlings

Are you looking for a great novel series outside of The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, or Game of Thongs? Look no further than the excellent Inheritance Cycle, which begins with Eragon, by fellow homeschooled writer Christopher Paolini.

4/4: Revisiting the Movies

We’re off to see the Wizard of Oz as we journey back to the 1930’s to read about my favorite classic from that era (screw you, Gone with the Wind!).

4/4: The Should, the Could and the Empty (Film Snob)

Three movie reviews in one week! This one reflects on Captain America: The Winter Soldier and how it’s still more of the same despite critical praise.

4/5: The Writer Within

Ever wondered what an essay written in satirical Twain style would look like from my hands? Wonder no more and read what I did my best(ish) upon when I was 15 years old.

Another wonderful month-beginning week of blogging, combined with several exams! Whoo hoo, I love school! Yeah!

The Fall of the Youth: The Writer Within #2

When I was 15 years old, I found myself in a writing class for homeschoolers, and amidst all of my assigned writing, I found an author whose work I fell in love with. Mark Twain was and is my favorite writer, and so, as part of my class, I wrote an essay in my best imitative style of Twain. My teacher called it “Beltwainish”. So, here it is, unadulterated and still full of gumption.

The Fall of the Youth

Oh, how the youth have fallen! Speaking as one, I can volunteer my own point of view, an objective one at that. We are so corrupt that we cannot be saved anymore. Just ask any middle-aged person on the street; they will agree that the youth nowadays are corrupt and fallen.

You see it everyday in the news now. Juvenile shootings, juvenile crime waves, juvenile rapes, juvenile robberies, juvenile…well, you get the picture. But what most people, including myself, don’t understand is why juvenile crimes have risen so much in the past few years.

I mean, our parents are perfect model citizens. They always tell us not to smoke, drink, steal, cheat, lie, or anything along those lines. They then proceed to follow their own advice. Why, just the other day I was at a friend’s house when his dad walked through the door. We were playing one of our favorite video games, Fable. Our character in the game was drinking, and we were laughing about it. My friend’s father observed us silently. When our character was killed, my friend would swear under his breath. His father finally heard him, and he stepped up and lectured us.

“Kids, you should never, under any circumstances, curse, drink, or smoke! Why, I believe that those are the most appalling things imaginable that a human can do, besides murder or rape. But once you start down the road of evil, you will never be able to get off. Never. So what might be just ‘harmless’ cursing and virtual drinking today might end up being murder or rape tomorrow! Don’t go down that road!”

My friend and I were stunned. We didn’t know how to reply, but there was none needed. Ever since that fateful day, Jorak the magician abstained from drinking, smoking, and sex, as well as many other “evils”. I think that if not for my friend’s father saying that while I was still young, I would be a juvenile murderer right now.

My friend and I just stared at his father in awe at his commanding speech. His father got kind of nervous under our steady eyes, and so he started to pat over himself and feel in his pockets. He groaned and muttered under his breath, “Damn it, I left my cigarettes at the bar,” and then he hurried out the front door. I laughed to myself as I heard a car start in the driveway. Even though he said it quietly, I believe he let me hear that as a kind of inside joke. I had a good laugh about it, and returned to my game.

So why the youth today have become so corrupted with such role models for parents is a wonder to me. But there are many more anti-reasons for the corruption of youth.

Heh, anti-reasons. Nothing like making up a word that fits your sentences.

Anyways, youth today should not be as bad as they are right now for another reason: schools. Without schools, I believe that there would be total anarchy among the youth today. Er, that is, more total anarchy, anyways. The school system that we have now perfectly trains and equips the youth of today for the real world. It teaches them much-needed skills, like how to dissect a frog and how to perform CPR on a plastic dummy. School also teaches them many good habits that they will need in life, like note-passing and flirting.

But sadly, I am not an attendee of any school. I am, and always have been, a homeschooler. Go ahead, laugh at me and mock me. Have your fun. In the end, I’ll be the one laughing. I think.

Well, maybe not. I hear that public school kids are really smart. Well, at least the ones that play Halo are.

Just a few months ago, my cousin from Dallas visited my family. He laughed at me when I asked him if he thought that homeschoolers were dumber than public school kids. He told me, “Why, Robert, I don’t know how to reply to that. I’ll just put it in a comparison for you.

Say, two guys sit next to each other in a biology class. One is a homeschooler; one is a public-schooler. They both dissect a frog. The homeschooler states, ‘Well, it’s obvious that the brachial nerve cord connects to the craxium, which in turn stimulates the medulla, which resides inside of the jugular…’ et cetera, et cetera. The public-schooler just stares at the frog’s innards and says, ‘He he. Green guts.’ Now which do you think is smarter?”

I replied with another question. “Well, what about the teachers? How do you compare homeschooled kids’ teachers with public-schooled kids’ teachers?”

“Well, you homeschoolers are either taught by your parents or you teach yourself, correct?”

I nodded.

“Then either you are the teacher, in which case the teacher is smart, or your brilliant parents are the teachers, in which case they are doubly smart. So in our imaginary biology class, the homeschooled guy asks the teacher, his parent, ‘Hey Mom, where’s the medulla oblongata?’ ‘In the cranial skull.’ Whereas, with the public-schooler, he and a bunch of his friends gather around the frog, laughing and saying, ‘Green guts.’ So the teacher comes over to them. ‘Hey, what are you kids up to? Don’t you know you’re supposed to be… He he, look! Green guts!’”

I don’t think that I just supported my case for homeschoolers being dumber than public-schoolers. But it must obviously be true if I, a homeschooled kid, just supported my argument with a case for the opposite side.

Well, anyways, youth in general is much more corrupt today than it was. I mean, just ask anyone whose youth was from an earlier time and they will tell you how much better it was back then. I mean, if these people who have seen their youth and now our youth, they must know which is better. Seriously though, ask them and they will tell you about their youth.

However I have noticed a curious thing with older people. If you ask them about the hippie revolution and all the drugs, sex, and violence going on then, they will tell you that they cannot quite remember; that it’s all fuzzy. But if you ask them if the youth back then was better than it is now, they will inform you just how much better it was then. And it isn’t just a small case, but a wide and spread out epidemic. It seems that all older people exhibit this strange use of memory. Very curious indeed… I should look into that for my next essay.

Er, anyways, the juvenile community is very corrupt today, and without good reason. I have already given you many examples of why we should not be this way. Great role model parents, with humorous aside remarks; fun and educating schools, with teachers who will join their students’ fun; and wise older people, with their great memories.

Hmm… On second thought, maybe I wasn’t right about this subject. Maybe, perhaps, the youth are the way they are not because of our own faults, but because of outer influences. But then that would subtract from my final point, that we should accept responsibility as a generation and move forward together… No! I had a good ending paragraph for that! It contained a great line about us “getting off the couch of slothfulness and onto the treadmill of responsibility”.

Oh well. Maybe next time I’ll end my essay with a rousing battle cry for the youth of this generation. I just don’t have the energy today to rewrite this whole essay so that it lines up with my final point.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier: The Should, the Could and the Empty (Film Snob #7)

Now that Captain America has been introduced, brought to our time, and met the Avengers, it’s about time for him to save our own world in a modern fashion. Oh, and there’s a villain named the Winter Soldier.

Chris Evans returns as the illustrious captain as he tries to figure out where he fits into our world. All of his friends are dead, he’s really unable to relate to anyone, and he has growing doubts about the rights and wrongs of his dealings with S.H.I.E.L.D. All of a sudden, someone gets killed, S.H.I.E.L.D. goes through some changes, and a metal-armed mercenary begins to hunt Steve Rogers and his friends down. That is the extent of the story that I can say without spoilers (I already sullied myself with my Noah review this week. ¡No mas!).

The cast for this movie reminds me a lot of The Avengers in that there are a ton of great characters and their respective actors and actresses that have a definitive synergy. Although The Avengers had a lot more laughs and great dialogue (which I attribute to the terrific director Joss Whedon, of Firefly and Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame), Captain America 2 does its best to imitate that style. While some laughs fall flat and some dialogue is just meh (like the stinker also in the trailer: “You’re heavier than you look.” “I had a big breakfast.” Ouch. Awful.), the characters were still able to keep me interested. Although every single “plot twist” can be predicted from an hour away, the script is decent.

My favorite actor in this movie was actually Anthony Mackie, who also did a terrific job in The Hurt Locker. His role as a kind of sidekick to Captain America gets established early on in the movie with a humorous jogging scene, and he brings a sort of normality to the chaos that happens during most of the movie. He personifies the average person dealing with all of these super heroes (as opposed to obscenely-limber Black Widow and obscenely-muscular Captain America), and his reactions often mirror what I would picture myself saying in certain situations. One of my favorite parts of the movie: a bad guy (why label them any differently?) tells him, during a mano-y-mano fisticuffs, that he is way out of his league, he has no idea what kind of power he is up against, blah blah. To which Sam Wilson (character) replies, “Man, shut the hell up,” then throws a punch. We’ve all wanted the hero to say that to monologuing villains. So dumb.

Finally, the action in this movie was exactly what we’ve come to expect from Marvel movies: big booms, awesome personal combat, and ridiculously inaccurate villains. I have to say, the final half of the movie relies a LOT on these visual effects, electing to kind of shove the story to the side in Michael Bay fashion. The first half was far more enjoyable, and actually included a couple of chase scenes that were surprising in a super hero movie. They would not have been amiss in a spy thriller, but they were more interesting to me in this film than the grand finale of destruction.

Some reviews and critics have been praising the movie for its international themes and overall symbolic step forward compared to past super hero movies. I don’t see what others do, however. There is a lot of “the government is taking control for peace but they will actually run a military state” going on here, but this has been done before and more well done. “A” for effort, though, on trying to be the first realistically themed super hero movie since The Dark Knight (I’ll just pretend Dark Knight Rises and Man of Steel don’t exist…). Overall, I enjoyed myself, I was entertained, and I will not remember a single detail of this movie in three years’ time, same as the first Captain America. This was a better film than the first, but it was much less original, even though its message was better. I am reminded why I don’t go see these movies anymore, since I could have not gone and I would be none the worse.

Verdict: If you’re a Marvel fanboy, you COULD see this movie, but if you miss seeing this film, you won’t miss too much besides explosions and Scarlett Johansson’s butt shots.

P.S. – This week has been supersaturated with movie reviews! Gosh.

Revisiting the Movies of the 1930's (Flashback Fridays #5)

The Wizard of Oz (1939)

“I’ll get you my pretty! And your little dog, too! Heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeeee!!!!”

And so a legendary witch was born. There was no way that I wouldn’t talk about one of my childhood classics, a tale of magic, adventure, and a little dog name Toto. Although this movie borders on the psychedelically weird (ahead of its time by twenty years), it still continues to entertain kids all the way up till now. Follow me down the yellow brick road, as we exit the old years of black and white silent films and head into color, sound, and music.

Although it cuts out some of my favorite parts of the book (like the poor China doll people), it still covers what we all love: flying monkeys and flying cows. We follow Dorothy as she gets whisked away from rural Kansas into a bizarre world where all she can focus on is how she will get home. She makes some friends along the way and leaves them in better shape, as well as destroying the biggest villain in Oz, but she never really changes. She fits with many female leads of this era, where they create the illusion of progress through movement, but in the end, she’s no different than when she started (besides perhaps losing a few brain cells from that far-out trip!). Nonetheless, I still enjoy the authentic phrases and creatures of this film, like the Tin Man’s poor heart and all the lions-and-tigers-and-bears, oh my!

P.S. - Want to enjoy this classic film? Sorry, no more YouTube clips, but you have the following options from Amazon:

1) Rent digitally for $1.99

2) Buy on Blu-ray for $8.96

3) Buy on DVD for $10.96

4) Buy digitally for $9.99.

The Inheritance Cycle: 451 Kindlings #2

As a young writer, I drew a lot of inspiration from the books that I read. None influenced me more than when I read the very first book of The Inheritance Cycle, titled Eragon. It was filled with danger, dragons, magic, swords, and forbidden romance. It heavily appealed to the twelve-year old Robbie who started reading it. One of the major influences in my continued pursuit of writing was Christopher Paolini, the 15-year old homeschooler who wrote Eragon. His work inspired me, showing me that truly any kid can do something. You can never be too young. His ability to excel as a person who was homeschooled also motivated me to do more and work hard, so that I could have a chance at what he achieved.

But this is a book review, no? So let’s turn back to the books.

Eragon starts off by telling us the story of a young boy who finds a dragon egg while hunting. This egg hatches and a dragon named Saphira comes into the world, forging a psychic link with Eragon (the boy). With the help of an old man named Brom, Eragon must travel across the world of Alagaësia to unite with those who will help him fight against the evil ruler Galbatorix. There once was an order of warriors called Dragon Riders, who had access to powerful magic, but Galbatorix destroyed them all in order to seize power. With Eragon now the only Rider besides him, he immediately sends his minions to hunt Eragon down, including the nightmarish Ra’zac and the deadly Shade (possessed wizard) named Durza.

This might seem like a tremendous amount of vocabulary for those who have never read these books, so I will hold back from any further information. Suffice to say that he falls in love with an elf (young for her race but much older than him) and he goes on an epic journey throughout all four books, but the preceding paragraph is the extent of the story that you will get from me.

What I loved about this series is the enormous canon behind it and its excellent mixture of traditional and original medieval story. Traditional, because there’s dragons, elves, magic, dwarves, et cetera. But it is so original, with its Riders who essentially become mind-melded to their dragons, magic that is fueled by your own strength (which puts a limit on how much power you can wield without dying) and directed by an ancient language that specifically does what you say. I also love the massive world that Paolini has created and fleshed out, which mirrors my own love of creating worlds from when I was a child. The world of Alagaësia is a unique and enchanting place, even amid the ongoing civil war.

But the main reason that I fell in love with these books is because of the characters. There are so many interesting characters with their own individual stories and emotions, including Roran Stronghammer, Nasuada, Orik, Murtagh, Angela, Jeod, Arya, and many, many more. A man who embarks on a long journey to rescue his bride from the chilling Ra’zac, who essentially are humanoid crows who eat people. A woman that must take control of her people while commanding many forces, striving to run a country that once followed her father but shows her little respect. A delightfully eccentric witch who whisps in and out of the story when it suits her tastes. And that’s just three of these amazing characters that could be considered side characters next to Eragon and Saphira’s dynamic relationship and story.

All of this goes to say, if you love Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Reign of Fire, World of Warcraft, Pan's Labyrinth, Harry Potter, Robin Hood, King Arthur or any of the Knights of the Round Table, The Pendragon Cycle, How to Tame Your Dragon (which came after these books, FYI), or anything similar, this is a great book series for you to begin reading. Heck, if you just love good books, great stories, or great character arcs, then this is for you! Don’t judge the book by its movie (gah, I still have nightmares of that awful film they made of the first book…). This will keep you interested, pacing between thrills and wonders as you follow Eragon and his dragon down whatever path that destiny has placed before them.

Best Print Editions

- Eragon: Paperback, Amazon, $6.28

- Eldest: Paperback, Amazon, $9.98

- Brisingr: Paperback, Amazon, $10.98

- Inheritance: Paperback, Amazon, $9.03

- 4-Book Set: Trade Paperback Boxed Set, Amazon, $40.58

Best Electronic Editions

- Eragon: Kindle eBook, Amazon, $5.97

- Eldest: Kindle eBook, Amazon, $7.99

- Brisingr: NOOK Book, Barnes & Noble, $9.99

- Inheritance: Kindle eBook, Amazon, $7.99

- 3-Book Set: Inheritance Cycle Omnibus, Amazon, $19.99

Enemy: The Should, the Could and the Empty (Film Snob #6)

There are some films that love to test your critical thinking. What is happening in this movie? Who is doing what? What the hell is going on?!

Enemy is one of them.

The story opens with Adam Bell, a bored history teacher that finds himself in a rut of life. Teach, have passionless sex with his girlfriend, repeat. He barely lives. But one day, he rents some mindless rom-com based on the recommendation of a coworker. He stays up just long enough to watch it, then goes to bed. One of his dreams show him playing a bellhop inside of the movie. He wakes, and goes to rewatch the film. Sure enough, there he is, playing a background bellhop, or at least someone who looks very much like him. His world begins to fall apart as he spends a good majority of the rest of the film trying to find this person and figure out why they are so identical.

The brilliant director Denis Villeneueve reunites with Jake Gyllenhaal (who combined powerfully in the mystery thriller Prisoners) to give us a truly mind-bending doppelganger film. Everything seems bleak in this bizarre version of Toronto, and we can’t shake the many moments of imagery that involve spiders. I spent a good portion of this 90-minute film trying to figure out what was happening, and likely missed many details. There are so many movies I could compare this to that would give you an idea of what to expect: Memento, The Shining, Inception, Shutter Island. I will say, however, that where Inception gave us plenty of exposition and did its best to describe a bizarre concept to us, then delve into its complexities, Enemy just throws you right into it and explains NOTHING. Do not go into this movie expecting to have it all laid out for you when you exit the theater.

Gyllenhaal turns in yet another astounding performance in Enemy as both Adam and his doppelganger, Anthony Claire. They look completely identical physically, but each has their own mannerisms and small details that set them apart. Adam is mostly nervous and edgy, whereas Anthony is brash and swaggering. Throw in the fact that both of their respective lovers (Adam’s girlfriend, played by the lovely Melanie Laurent of Inglourious Basterds fame, and Anthony’s wife, played by Sarah Gadon) look very alike as well, and Adam and Anthony’s lives become truly intertwined in a bizarre fashion. Gyllenhaal has really come into his own over the last few years, and I eagerly await films with him in the leading role after his award-winning performance as Detective Loki in Prisoners (won one of my awards, anyways).

I will say, however, that this movie gets pretty weird. Imagine if Stanley Kubrick directed an episode of The Twilight Zone. You quickly begin to lose track of what’s real and what’s not, and right at the end when you think you’ve gotten it all figured out, the final scene throws everything that you’ve been watching into chaos. But that’s the beauty of the film and one of its central themes: “Chaos is order yet undeciphered.” As one critic put it succinctly: “I kinda dug it but I have no idea if it’s any good or what happened or where I am anymore and what aiiiiiiiieeeeeeee that last shot!” It’s already been called one of the most shocking endings to a movie, and I cannot wait to go watch it again and see if I can unravel its mystery farther. Critics have been split on whether the movie is to be interpreted literally or as a mental development (a la Shutter Island). This debate is one of the things that makes this movie so memorable for me.

A couple of disclaimers will do nicely right about here. First, there is a large amount of sexual content in this film. We see Adam having sex with his girlfriend, which never goes beyond showing her front, but I’m sure that’s more than enough for some. There are several dreamlike sequences where nudity is involved, namely two scenes with full frontal nudity of a woman. Second, you may have noticed that I avoid talking too much about the actual story besides an initial premise. This is because it has such an enveloping experience and its story is so complex that explaining to you does a major disservice to your own movie experience. That being said, I will definitely post a Flubberghast to analyze this film within the next few weeks, once I see it again, stating what I think the movie is about. So, future warning, don’t read that Flubberghast unless you’ve already seen the movie! Expect this film on my Best Movies list at the end of the year.

Verdict: You SHOULD see this movie as soon as you can, since you will be challenged to figure out its meaning and story. However, if you don’t like your movies in a challenging Hitchcock style, or can’t handle the level of nudity, this movie isn’t for you.

P.S. - Enemy is only playing in the Circle Cinema in Tulsa right now, and there are only two other theaters within 200 miles that are playing it as well (in Missouri and Louisiana). So go view this gem at the classic theater as soon as you can!