Ginseng for the Soul #15

The Monarch

All beautiful colors dance endlessly

Free; gliding high in jubilance.

Killed

Left morbidly naked

Openly pierced. Queens ruined,

Serenely torn, undone verily.

Woe!

Xenophobia: youth’s zenith.

I Think Sarcasm Runs in Our Cultures

The following answers were given by British students in the public examinations used for 15 year old children. And we complain about American kids...

Q: Define the word “monotony.”
A: Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is the correct use of a semi-colon?
A: Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the intestines.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son?
A: The fatted calf.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
A: Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Filtration makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: What is a fossil?
A: A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: Where are the Tibia?
A: They live in a country in North Africa.

Ginseng for the Soul #14

lowercase is the poet’s way to whisper to the reader amid ATTENTION-SEEKING ADVERTISING surrounding you and i. it is intimacy. c) RDB #twisp

— Robert D Beltran (@Pathos103) June 2, 2013

First Graders Are Starting to Freak Me Out

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her Clarkston, MI class. She presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Keep in mind that these kids are only six years old.

1. Don't change horses........................... until they stop.
2. Strike while the................................ bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before.................... Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of......... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but.......... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that...................... looks dirty.
7. No news is...................................... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a......................... Mister.
9. You can't teach an old dog new............. math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll.......... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust................................ me.
12. The pen is mightier than the............... pigs.
13. An idle mind is............................... the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's.............. pollution.
15. Happy the bride who........................ gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is............................. not much.
17. Two's company, three's..................... the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what.......... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs
with you, cry and................................. you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as................. Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not.......... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed................ get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only
what you........................................... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind............. get out of the way.
25. Better late than.............................. pregnant.

Dope: The Could, the Should and the Empty

When a bunch of 90's hip hop culture obsessed teens in Inglewood decide to attend a drug dealer's birthday party, they are flung into a whirlwind of betrayal, crime, and Bitcoins. Rick Famuyiwa writes and directs this modern dramedy that follows a senior struggling with his identity in American culture, whether it be the stereotyped black identity of dropping out of school, joining gangs, and only going to college if they're athletic, or sucking up to the big schools by using the stereotypical "I never met my dad and I'm stuck in the hood" story to their advantage. Dope's protagonist, straight-A geek Malcolm (played terrifically by Shameik Moore, who I cannot praise enough), aspires to attend Harvard while maintaining a small punk band with his friends Jib and Diggy, played by Tony Revolori (Zero in Grand Budapest Hotel) and Kiersey Clemons (of Amazon Prime's Transparent fame). Revolori and Clemons both do great playing Malcolm's friends, especially Clemons as their best lesbian friend whose parents take to church every weekend to pray the gay away from (hilarious!). This film is snarky, raunchy (especially when Malcolm's virginity is tested by a coke-addled seductress), and extremely modern, remembering not only do we live in an age of technology, but an age where a lot of possibilities that we often forget can come back in ways you would not imagine.



With a bit more focus here, I can honestly say that Dope has the best screenplay of the year thus far. Famuyiwa delivers the punches and the punchlines, mixing humor and drama in a way that I need to point to Birdman for a decent comparison. You will laugh, you will think, and for some of us (meaning most of us that didn't grow up as a lower class minority), you will wonder how much differently you would react in Malcolm's situation. He approaches his unique problem of indentured drug dealing with a sense of awareness of what is expected of him and what he wants to do to buck that trend. This film is about identity and being who you are without letting racism and stereotypes affect you, and so we have the perfect character to follow with Malcolm, who knows who he is and who he wants to be but goes through an identity crisis nonetheless in refinding himself.

The music is also terrific here, which was produced by Pharrell Williams but composed by Germaine Franco. The punk style of Malcolm and his friends' band definitely owes inspiration to both hip hop of the 90's and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, but it fits perfectly and the rest of the score keeps the pulse going. Famuyiwa keeps the story and direction taut yet fluid, wasting no time while telling his tale but still remembering to flesh out the characters and let the plot flow. Although I laughed more often than not, there were several scenes that were very intense, reminding us that even though this movie is mostly fun and games, real life is not and people die every day in it.

When it comes down to it, I feel like Dope was a more modern version of Boyz n the Hood, taking that similar leaving-the-ghetto-and-coming-of-age story and making it not only current but more complex, remembering that life is not about race or sexuality; it's about identity and self-fulfillment.


Verdict: You SHOULD recommend this film to all mature audiences, as there is a decent amount of titties on screen but nothing more, and the cinematic treat of a story removes any negativity that you may or may not feel from that.

Ginseng for the Soul #13

Tweet twost! Pweet post! Do you hear that? It’s the sound of endless ramblings of a race that has run out of things to say. c) RDB #twisp

— Robert D Beltran (@Pathos103) May 27, 2013

One Burger, Two People

I once walked into a burger joint and saw an elderly couple sitting together with a single burger on a plate in front of the woman. She gingerly lifted the burger and bit into it, eating slowly and chewing thoroughly. The old man just sat and quietly watched her eat, staring longingly.

Feeling guilty, I bought an extra burger and walked over to the two. I set the burger down in front of the old man and told him that he could have it.

"Oh, no, just the one burger will be enough for both of us. I'm just waiting for her to finish using the dentures!"

Retrospection 5/25-6/6/15

Sorry for missing last week's Retrospection, so here is a double whammy to spice things up! Even though this is also a day late....



5/25: Ginseng for the Soul
Product placement overloads while zombies groan over these puns.

5/25: In Memorial
A poem for the fallen during Memorial Day.

5/26-5/27: Nada

5/28: Throwback Thursdays
We are Revisiting the Movies of 1952 by singing along with Gene Kelly in Singin' in the Rain.

5/29-5/31: Nada (too much hwiskey)

6/1: Ginseng for the Soul
Solomon-esque tweets are followed by a barrage of Dad jokes.

6/2: This Is a Football
I debate whether or not even Chip Kelly knows what he is doing in Philadelphia.

6/3: No Pain, No Game
Dragon Age: Inquisition takes us inside an interesting world experiencing the creation of a religious figurehead.

6/4: Throwback Thursdays
1953 takes us back to the Japanese classic Tokyo Story, a timeless tale of the modern family.

6/5: The Should, the Could and the Empty
Melissa McCarthy is alright but Spy ends up being a very forgettable movie.

6/6: The Writer Within
The abnormal of Australia are shown in my short story The Marked Man.



One majorly full week down, and now it's summer, baby! Enjoy the sweat, sunburns, and greasy food!

Ginseng for the Soul #12

Hey, Joey, Want To Hear Some More Jokes?

Joey: Man, I had some weird dreams last night.
Dad: Me too! I dreamt that I was a muffler, and I woke up exhausted!
Joey: Funny, Dad. Mine were mostly about failing math.
Dad: Well, that's okay, five quarters of people will admit that they're bad at fractions.
Joey: Dad...
Dad: But remember that sixty percent of statistics are made up.

Nurse: So, what blood type are you?
Dad: Red.
Nurse: Haha, but really, what type are you?
Dad: Comic Sans.
Nurse (frustrated): Sir, please tell me your blood type! Is it O-negative?
Dad: Oh, no, I'm oh-positive that it's still red.
Nurse: *drops clipboard and storms out*
Dad: Hey, you forgot your Etch-A-Sketch!

Dad: Well, would you look at that; FedEx and UPS are merging today.
Joey: Really? That's crazy.
Dad: Yup, from now on, they're going to be Fed-Up.

Dad: Did you hear about the three-legged dog who walked into a bar?
Joey: Gee, I sure haven't.
Dad: Yeah, he said to the bartender, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

Joey: Hey, Dad, I need to get onto Netflix. What's our username and password?
Dad: The username is ForrestGump, and the password is 1forrest1.
Joey: Wow. Is that your best joke?
Dad: Nope, that would be you, son.

The Marked Man: The Writer Within #4

I wrote this short story for a public reading at the end of my creative writing course in my sophomore year of college. It draws heavy influence from H.P. Lovecraft (one of my favorite science fiction writers behind Isaac Asimov and Jules Verne), and it did fairly well at the reading. Enjoy!

The Marked Man

“More Tooheys, please, Mac.”

The bartender nodded and handed the half-shaven man another mug. He took a big swig of the lager as the bartender walked away.

Thump!

The drunkard turned to look at his new buddy sitting at the counter. Black hair poked out from underneath a fedora. He wore a large brown cloak and held a single bottle of Pabst in his right hand, half empty.

“Why’s you here, mate? Nuther bint bein’ a drongo for your poor cock?”

He laughed and downed another gulp.

“Actually, I was just in here to escape the sun. Damn hot out there.”

“Hey, you ehn’t from round here. You’s a seppo, ehn’t ya?”

“Sure.”

“Ha! So why you wander down to the depths of Australia into Wagga Wagga, mate?”

“Too much light on top of the world in America. Thought it’d be darker down here at the bottom.”

The American took a sip of his beer.

 “Now, why’s you sayin’ that? Light’s pretty good for us, idn’t it? Helps us to see and walk.”

 “It burns me. Slowly destroys me. Kills me.”

“Ah, you’s a burner, eh? Slip, slop, slap, sleep, sleek, slide, slosh, slalom… Bugger, can’t remember right now. Enyways, just slop on some sunscreen. Problem solved.”

“Doesn’t work. Sunscreen prevents burns, not cancer.”

The American swallowed some more of his beer.

“I just hate the light. So invasive and destructive. Unnatural.”

“Hey, what’s unnatural ‘bout light? I’d wager it’s the most natural thing on Earth.”

“It’s not. Without any solar or artificial light, what occupies emptiness?”

The Aussie shrugged and smacked his lips.

“Darkness, shadow, void. Bunch of nothin’, what it is.”

The American slammed his fist on the counter.

“That’s just it! Everyone says it’s nothing, that it’s absence of light. They give it gloomy and pejorative terms like darkness and black. Why not call it something more cheery? Shame…”

“Bugger all, what you goin’ on ‘bout? Dark is bad and light is good; even an infant knows that. We couldn’t see or do anythin’ without light.”

“Really? The human body is quite amazing. We could see in the dark if our eyes weren’t constantly subject to light’s destruction. Shadow is our home. Why are we created inside our mothers, in pure darkness, where no light can harm us? Why do we feel most comfortable to sleep when it is dark? Because shadow nurtures us and heals us from the light of the day.”

The Aussie pushed his mug away and sat back to stare at the cloaked man.

“Look outside our world: space is endless dark. Nature knows shadow is the backbone of our universe. But light invades and destroys it…”

The American paused to finish the rest of his drink.

“Do you even realize what light truly is? Destruction of matter. Explosions. Ripping apart atoms and releasing the energy inside. Light causes so much death, so many tiny organisms burned away by its stolen energy. Look at the sun! It’s the epicenter of death in our solar system, trillions of molecules ripped apart into trillions of explosions, firing light out from itself. It burns us away daily, and eventually, it will erupt into a supernova. Then everything will die in a flood of fire.”

The American stood and looked at the Aussie.

“Come outside and I’ll show you.”

The Aussie nodded then finished his lager. Standing, he followed the other out into the evening air. The American waved his hands around.

“Look around you! You can see Darkness everywhere, abundant but being destroyed every moment! The whole world is being bombarded with light from that evil star! It burns our home around us! Can you see it?!”

The American placed his hand on the Aussie’s arm.

“See it!”

The Aussie gasped. The black air around them glittered. He could see the darkness, fluid and nurturing. He felt it stroke his skin as he walked forward into it.

But his right arm burned. He focused on it. An tiny spark glittered off of his arm. He yelped and tried to shake it off, but it sunk into his skin. He looked back up and screamed. The glitter in the air was particles of light. He tried to move left, but they permeated that space. He turned right, and there they were, raining endlessly. The sparks zipped down from the sky, moving incredibly fast. They exploded on the pavement, on the grass, on his clothes, on his hair, on his skin. He screamed and fell to the ground, pulling his knees into his chest.

“STOP! They’re everywhere! Burning everything! OH MY GOD! I’m burning alive!”

He looked up and saw the American walking through the falling flames. The light bounced off him, leaving him unscathed.

“H-how are you doing that?! Please help me! HELP!”

He uncurled and breathed heavily, body soaked in sweat. The American crouched down and pulled a large Bowie knife out of his boot. He grabbed the Aussie’s right arm and lifted it up. The Aussie’s eyes grew large as he saw a red oval in the skin of his forearm. The cloaked man began cutting it open, but the Aussie felt nothing. Once finished, the American peeled back the skin and revealed a gaping wound filled with black tar. He placed his mouth over it and sucked as hard as he could. Any energy left in the Aussie drained out of him through his arm. His pupils shrank. The visions of fire faded away and everything became bright white. The American stood from the arm, wound empty of black, but still not bleeding. The eyes of the Aussie had become completely white. He shivered and tried to speak.

“W-w-w-why…”

The American sighed and wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

“Thank you.”

He turned and walked away. The Aussie exhaled his final breath.

Spy: The Should, the Could and the Empty

Being praised as a progressive comedy, much in the way Bridesmaids was, Melissa McCarthy and director Paul Fieg reteam to tell the story of a CIA desk jockey who becomes a true agent. With a stellar supporting cast, what could go wrong?

As it turns out, quite a bit.

When McCarthy's character, Susan, has to listen to and witness the murder of her long-time crush and field operative (played forgettably by Jude Law), she decides to take action and enter the field herself to take down the femme fatale who killed him. Plus, apparently all active agents have been leaked to the baddie, portrayed amazingly by Rose Byrne, so Susan is now needed in order to infiltrate the villain's posse. Jason Statham also pops in and out with lines of ridiculous braggery, which is an obvious parody of many of the characters he plays as well as the larger-than-life spies typically in these films. But that's just the problem: obvious humor.

I don't like writing these reviews negatively, so I want to start with what was done well. McCarthy is a great heroine that is for all intents and purposes, an average girl thrown into a hazardous situation. Statham's over-the-top dialogue definitely made me chuckle, and McCarthy's fireworks with Rose Byrne were some of the best lines in the film. I also really enjoyed watching an action film where the protagonist, their best friend and the antagonist were all women for a change without being hypersexualized.

But the humor just wasn't there. I chuckled twice, both times involving Statham, and otherwise sat through a two hour film that should've been eighty minutes or so, The first hour is so boring that I found myself constantly checking my watch. The reason for this: they repeat every joke made. Seriously. Wow, Susan gets to go into the field, here's a stereotypical middle-aged single woman cover identity (bad hair, lots of cats), haha! Ah, her next identity is also a stereotype, geez, clever. And the next... You get the picture. Statham had a great testosterone-fueled monologue early on, then devolves into making cameos with similar lines of dialogue. A man hits on Susan throughout the film, constantly trying to grope her (it's funny maybe the first two times). For the first half of the movie, Susan is a bumbling, mumbling half-idiot whose humor mostly relies on the fact that McCarthy is a short, plump woman. Then for the next half, out of nowhere, she becomes a foulmouthed agent with spunk and attitude. Honestly, that made me far more interested in her character, but her dialogue degraded into constant insult fights with everyone she talked to. Then the finale is just awful, ripped straight out of Jump Street 22 who ripped out of someone else, I'm sure. Oh, the action is so forgettable that I don't have anything to write about it because I don't remember it at all.

I see where Feig was trying to make this a farce of sorts, much like Jump Street 22 was for big-budget sequels or Kingsman was for spy films. But what we ended up getting was a bizarre mixture of The Hangover Girls and Get Smart. If you are easily entertained or love screwball comedies in general for their awkward situations, there is plenty here for you. As for me, I trust that a good night's sleep followed by a viewing of any other film will promptly dump all memory.


Verdict: Although I'm sure that others will enjoy this film more than I did, I will say that you COULD see Spy IN A DOLLAR THEATER, or just Redbox for that matter. No cinematic value to see it in a theater; none of the action or comedy will be enhanced by it, sadly.

Revisiting the Movies of 1953: Tokyo Story

Sorry, Disney fans, but Peter Pan just missed the cut this week. Instead, the timeless classic from Yasujirō Ozu takes center stage as the best film of 1953. Although it has received much praise from critics (100% on Rotten Tomatoes), not much is known about this repeated placement in lists of best movies of all time. It can be slow, following an elderly couple as they visit their estranged children in the city, but it is wholly worth the viewing, much like Citizen Kane.

Ozu's direction is perfect, never moving the camera once and allowing each scene to look as natural as possible, drawing us into the normal world of Tokyo Story. This is what gets you, however, because its story is so real and so powerful that adding that realism to it drives home. Everything seems perfectly normal and happy, everyone is cordial with one another, but no one truly likes each other. Even now, over sixty years later, Tokyo Story's message about the life of lies that we live, too busy to develop real relationships with each other, strikes a chord in my heart and makes me rethink how I have been going about my life.

At just over two hours long, yes, it can be very slow and the message might be difficult to see. But I still would want everyone to watch this film. If the first hour proves too slow, I highly recommend reading the late Roger Ebert's excellent review of the film and its themes; this opened up a viewing experience for me that had not been there before. Then finish the film, or if you make it through without getting bored, still go read his article. So, please, please, please go watch this amazing look at the modern family.

P.S. - Always remember your local library, then check out Amazon for Tokyo Story to:

1) Rent digitally for $2.99.

2) Buy on Criterion Collection Blu-ray for $24.99.

3) Buy digitally for $14.99.

Dragon Age: Inquisition: No Pain, No Game

TL;DR Score:            10/10
.
Recommended Age:   13+
.
Comparable to:         Skyrim, Mass Effect
.
Platforms:                 Xbox One, PlayStation 4, Microsoft Windows, Xbox 360, PlayStation 3

After far too many hours of gameplay (72), I can say that I was fully satisfied by my forty dollar investment into my first Dragon Age game. I remember playing a demo for Dragon Age: Origins back in the day and hating the gameplay, but for some reason I found it thoroughly appealing this time around. As a third person fantasy role-playing game (RPG), Inquisition entertained both the storyteller in me and the gamer in me. Because, if nothing else, this game's story is tremendous and original.

As in all fantasy RPGs, you begin the game by creating your own character. The races are pretty familiar: human, elf, dwarf, and a unique race called the Qunari, who are essentially large, eloquent orcs with giant horns. The three classes to choose from are also familiar: mage, rogue, or warrior. But unlike most RPGs, both the race and class that you select will affect the story and how your character is treated. For instance, in the world of Dragon Age, named Thedas, elves were once a great and powerful people but now have become a collection of nomadic tribes, called Dalish, and so are treated as inferior by most of Thedas' humans. I chose to create a Dalish elf rogue, since I get tired of the hack-and-slash of most warrior classes and, honestly, mages usually get too confusing for me with their diverse skill set. This allowed me to play the game almost completely from my character's perspective. You increase the power of your character and members of your team over time, but can choose to just auto-level the others or get hands-on with their development. A nice feature for combat as well is the option to go to a top-down strategic mode to give orders to your team and develop more strategy in your fights. I'm not big on real-time strategy (RTS) styled gameplay, or even massive online battle arena (MOBA) gameplay, so I mostly just stayed with my elf and fought from third person, but those options are available.

For anyone who has played one of BioWare's previous games (I've played their Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic and Mass Effect series), the dialogue wheel should be easy to use. Every conversation has different ways to go, as each line of dialogue from your character is a choice by you and will affect the story and your relationships with other characters. Whereas some games use this dialogue choice as pretty much the entire game (like most of TellTale Games' media), this is just another feature in an incredibly immense world. There are many, many side quests, long and action-packed story quests, enormous regions to explore and conquer, and a time-based war table where you order members of your Inquisition to perform tasks which will affect the game and story, or gain rewards and power (used to unlock more regions and quests). With the diverse mixture of gameplay and the option to strengthen your friendships with other characters (leading to interesting backstories, more quests, or romances) during down-time between quests, there is literally no shortage of things to do.

However, I have not even touched on the part of the game that impressed me the most: the story. Bold and far reaching, it begins with your hero stumbling upon some sort of ritual that destroys most of the leaders of Thedas, including The Divine, a female pope of sorts. All that remains is a strange, green, glowing mark on your hand that allows you to close rifts torn in the world to the Fade, a mixture between hell and purgatory, allowing demons to flood into Thedas. With the power to save Thedas literally in your hands, people begin to worship you and claim that you are the Herald of Andraste (God). Your enemy is a man who has done his best to transform himself into a god and does not care who dies in his journey to godhood, claiming that he has seen the thrones of the gods and saw that "they were empty." Throughout the game, every act that you perform that requires either teamwork, intelligence, or pure luck will be attributed to Andraste's favor and guidance on your life, leading many people back to a faith that they had forgotten. Dragon Age: Inquisition puts you into the life of a religious figure and how they are created and mythologized, which is a unique experience in itself and raising many interesting questions about what really happened in the lives of the big religious figures of our world today (Muhammad, Gandhi, Jesus Christ, etc.). Inquisition also makes you feel very invested in your friends and your character, allowing you to immerse yourself in a rich world filled with interesting stories and comparisons to modern life (like the Qunari life, where everyone is assigned a role and obeys without question, or the freedom of powerful mages, and whether they should be enslaved or freed).

Without a doubt, I can say that Dragon Age: Inquisition is one of the best games that I have played in years, and definitely trumps Skyrim for me in both gameplay and story. So, if you're looking for a new fantasy RPG to jump into, I would highly recommend this game.

What Is Chip Kelly Doing?! : This Is a Football

So, if you didn't know yet, I'm a big Philadelphia Eagles fan. It was during Super Bowl XXXIX that two major events happened in my young NFL fandom: I loved the Eagles and I despised the Patriots. In Oklahoma, there's not really any local NFL teams to root for, unless you want to live up to our reputation as the little brother of Texas or awkward cousin of Missouri (e.g. most everyone here are either Cowboys, Rams, or Chiefs fans). So, at the age of ten, I latched onto the illustrious Eagles, Donovan McNabb, Brian Westbrook, Terrell Owens (for a time) and Andy Reid despite the rest of my family being Cowgirl fans.

That team is long gone.

T.O. went to Big D and burnt out, McNabb went to We're-Not-Racist-Skins and burnt out, Andy Reid has revitalized Kansas City, Brian Dawkins retired *sniff*, Michael Vick killed some dogs then rebirthed his career in Philly then left, DJax burst onto the scene and gave us the Miracle at the Meadowlands II then took off for the Skins, Shady McCoy rocked our world then was traded to Buffalo, and Nick Foles did really well then not really well and now he's a Ram.

The latter three of those changes can be attributed to Chip Kelly, Reid's esoteric successor. In addition to those personnel changes over the last two and a half years, Kelly has dumped another young receiver in Jeremy Maclin, signed DeMarco Murray from Little D, traded for Kiki Alonso and Sam Bradford, and, oh yeah, implemented a fast-paced offense and way of practicing that keeps players in tremendous shape and lights up the scoreboard like Vegas. But with so many major alterations after the first offseason where Chip was handed complete power over personnel, the question remains: does he even know what he's doing?

In Chip We Trust (?)

Sometimes I feel like Kelly is one of us, the fans, or an avid Madden franchise mode player: wheeling and dealing, having fun shaping the roster as his own even if it means destroying a perfectly good one. I do NOT buy into McCoy's allegations that Kelly is getting rid of the "good black players", but I do questions his dealings at times. Both DeSean Jackson and Maclin worked extremely well in his offense, so I don't understand why he let them go, besides money. I understand McCoy because his playing style didn't fit, and based on the way he's been running his mouth since he left, I feel like they had a toxic relationship that would've affected the locker room.

But now that I've seen the final results of the offseason - free agency, draft and all - I can say that I see Chip's plan coming together. We lost McCoy but gained Murray, last year's NFL rushing leader and a one-cut running back made perfect for Kelly's system. In addition, we got a great young linebacker in Alonso (if he can stay healthy and recreate his rookie season) and a terrific RB2 in Ryan Mathews, former Charger starter and a similar runner to Murray, so we can lessen Murray's workload (especially after nearly carrying the ball 400 times last season and given his injury history) without missing a beat. We've now lost both Jackson and Maclin at WR, but have kept Brett Celek at TE while adding the explosive Zach Ertz, gotten some young talent with Jordan Matthews (who I expect to explode this year) and rookie Nelson Agholor at WR, and retained reliable Riley Cooper while adding veteran Miles Austin (thanks again, Dallas!). Our offensive line has never been better, with All-Pro Jason Peters and Lane Johnson (OU represent) anchoring the tackles, Pro-Bowler Evan Mathis teaming with Andrew Gardner at guard, and Jason Kelce locking down the center position. Our quarterbacks are shaky at best, but we know Mark Sanchez can do well (but always choke in the end, unsurprisingly) and Sam Bradford (former OU teammate of Johnson's) will be perfect for the system if he can get healthy and stay that way (expect LOTS of quick passes this year).

When you look at the defensive side of the ball, the front seven remains intact, showing that Kelly can and will keep a great group together, if not augment it. Pro-Bowlers Fletcher Cox, Connor Barwin and Trent Cole are ready to rip through the offensive line, NT Bennie Logan has nowhere to go but up after a terrific 2014, then Cedric Thornton and Mychal Kendricks are great athletes who should continue to do well. With the return of DeMeco Ryans and addition of Alonso at linebacker with Brandon Graham and Marcus Smith ready to rotate in, this is one electrifying group. However, we all know that defensive back was Philly's Achilles' last year, and so Chip wisely allocated more funds to this group by ejecting corners Bradley Fletcher and Cary Williams while bringing in former Legion of Boomers Walter Thurmond and Byron Maxwell. First-round rookie Eric Rowe should be ready to roll across from Maxwell, instantly transforming cornerback from an area of weakness into an area of strength. Malcom Jenkins performed tremendously at free safety last year, and should continue to lock that position down while Earl Wolff or someone fills in at strong safety. Looking at the entire team, SS is the only position that concerns me besides quarterback (which can be covered by Chip's system), so that's a plus.

The knee-jerk reaction to Kelly's flurry of action this offseason is to panic and wonder what the Chip is Kelly up to?! But by stepping back and looking at the big picture, we can see that all positions remained unchanged (QB, TE, OL, DL, kickers) or improved (RB, LB, DB), with the exception of a depleted receiving corps, which has a lot of young talent that should make the loss unnoticed within two years (maybe even less due to Kelly's system augmentation of talent at quarterback and receiver). So while I still wonder aloud whether the Eagles have improved or not since Reid's departure, for now I will trust that Chip knows what he's doing, and perhaps will lead us to that oh-so-desired Super Bowl trophy that Philadelphia has been begging for years for.

Ginseng for the Soul #11

People weep and people sing. But no one gets to hear a thing. People laugh and people cry. But no one gets to say goodbye. c) RDB #twisp

— Robert D Beltran (@Pathos103) May 23, 2013

Oh, Dad, Just Shut Up Already, Please!

Dad: Hey, Joey, what time are we going to the dentist?
Joey: Uh, I don't know. When?
Dad: Tooth-hurty!

Dad: Wow, look what it says in the newspaper today about the guy who invented Lifesavers!
Joey: Huh, what's it say?
Dad: It says that he made a mint!
Joey: Ha ha.
Dad: It also says here that two peanuts were walking down the street and one was a salted!
Joey: Sigh....

Dad: Joey, you know what the bartender said to the ham sandwich after it walked into the bar and ordered a beer?
Joey: *eye roll* What, Dad?
Dad: "Sorry, sir, we don't serve food here!"

Cashier: Okay, sir, would you like the milk in a bag?
Dad: Please, no, leave it in the carton!
Joey: Dad....

Dad: Say, son, you know why chicken coops have only two doors?
Joey: I'm not sure why.
Dad: Because if they had four, then they'd be chicken sedans!

Joey: Hey, Dad, could you make me a sandwich?
Dad: Poof! You're a sandwich!
Joey: Ugh. I was thinking...
Dad: Oh, I though I smelled something burning.

Dad: Did I ever tell you about the time I worked making calendars in a factory?
Joey: No, I don't think so.
Dad: Yeah, I was fired because I took a couple of days off!

Joey: Dad, how is holy water made?
Dad: Well, son, you've got to boil the hell out of it.
Joey: No, seriously, someone in choir asked me and I want to tell him today.
Dad: Ah, don't forget a bucket when you go to choir practice tonight.
Joey: What? Why?
Dad: Well, so you can carry your tune, of course!